What's-His-Face Goes to Charm School
by Tobu Ishi
Summary: Kagome has had enough of Inuyasha being such a pain in the nether-regions, and wishes that someone would teach him some manners. She never expected that the patron goddess of etiquette, Pamura, would be so happy to oblige... M_~*


}* What's-His-Face Goes to Charm School! *{  
  
(An Inuyasha humor fic by Tobu Ishi)  
  
  
Part 1- In Which Inuyasha Makes a Grave Mistake  
  
"You stupid wench, shut up and listen to me! You are not going back down that well!"  
For the millionth-and-first time, Kagome had decided to pop back to her world for an important exam. For the millionth-and-first time, Inuyasha was 'protesting'. Nothing new there...  
"Goddammit, get back here NOW!"  
Well, maybe 'protesting' is a rather understating term.  
Kagome had almost gotten used to Inuyasha's typical coarse language, demanding attitude, and general unsavory behavior...not to mention his refusal to take a shower.  
The key word here is *almost*.  
"Inuyasha! Either quit swearing at me, or SIT!"  
The dog-demon's immediate and painful nosedive into the dirt took care of both requests. Rolling into a sitting position, he rubbed angrily at his injured face and glared up at Kagome...or, rather, at Kagome's retreating back as she walked toward the well.  
"Dammit! That's it!!"  
Throwing good sense to the winds in his frustration and launching himself from his sitting position like a thunderbolt, Inuyasha tackled the girl around her ankles, sending them both crashing to the ground a few feet from the well.  
Kagome hit the ground harder than the hanyou had expected; this was made clear to her as she felt her nose begin to bleed. It was made clear to Inuyasha as he looked up from the dirt in which he had managed to plant his face *again*, still holding on to her feet, and got a lovely view of Kagome's lace-edged panties.  
"ACK!!" he yelped, and managed to sit up in alarm, hit his head on the edge of the well, and fall over twitching and whining softly, all in one smooth, practiced motion.  
Kagome got to her feet slowly, yanking her skirt down again with one hand and wiping blood from her upper lip with the other. As she raised her eyes to his, those ordinarily sweet blue orbs spat flame. Inuyasha gulped, realizing he'd just crossed the line.  
"Aw, sheee-it," he muttered under his breath. Kagome clenched her fists and launched into a full-blown tirade.  
"INUYASHA! I am sick of you acting like a spoiled brat whenever I go home! I could stand you being rude, I could stand you swearing, but physically attacking me is going WAY too FAR! I am not a demon, I am a human being! I cannot stand up to roughhousing with you, as you ought to have figured out by now! And I do not like having my face rammed into the dirt! From the way you act I think you're the one who likes THAT, and you're going to be doing plenty of that, as soon as my nose stops bleeding! And what do you think you're doing looking up my SKIRT?!" She paused to look over her shoulder. "And don't think you're getting off scot-free, either, Miroku! I saw you goggling, and I am going for the biggest stick I can find as soon as I'm done with dog-boy here and give you what for, right over the head! Repeatedly!"  
The priest swallowed hard, tugging at his collar.  
Kagome turned back to Inuyasha, still furious. A drop of blood fell from her nose and hit the ground. Inuyasha was still dizzy from hitting his head, and Kagome actually looked rather dangerous, ranting down at him with her eyes flaming and her face all over blood from her copiously flowing nose. So he did what any sensible dog-boy would do; he sat very still and hoped she would wind down and go away, or at least not hurt him too badly.  
When she did speak, though, her voice held less of the anger and more of a sheer desperate frustration.  
"Why do you do this kind of thing?! Why did I have to get stuck with the rudest hanyou on the planet?!" The fact that Kagome had actually met very few hanyou didn't figure into thing at this point; she was too mad to consider it anyway. With a deep sigh, Kagome plumped down into the grass, shaking her head.  
"Inuyasha...I wish someone would teach you some manners!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*POOF!*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Your wish is granted."  
"What the hell?!"  
The large, sweet-faced woman in the gray silk kimono who had just appeared in a cloud of sandalwood-scented smoke looked disapprovingly down at the cussing, staring half-demon.  
"Really, young man...or, whatever you are. That kind of language is rude at any time, but in front of a lady? You truly are in need of my help."  
First Kagome's undies, then cracking his head on the Bone-eater's Well-which was hardly a cushy object-and now, giant women bearing tea ceremony equipment? Poor Inuyasha was too befuddled to speak, let alone react to this new annoyance.  
Kagome frowned, as puzzled as her hanyou friend by this strange apparition in gray silk. "Excuse me, Obaasan," she said, trying to be polite, "but I'm not quite sure what you mean."  
The woman smiled benevolently down at her. "Ah, I see. I'm afraid my appearance was a bit sudden, but I am never late to answer a call for help. You see, I am Pamura, patron goddess of etiquette, and I have come to grant your wish."  
And with that, before either startled adventurer could blink, there was another puff of sandalwood smoke, and all three of them vanished...leaving Miroku and the others to stand staring at the place where they'd been.  
"Ooo-kay," Miroku muttered. "Well, at least now I won't get thwacked...I hope."  
  
_______________________________________  
  
Well, it had to happen eventually. Having seen my abilities in the area of angsty one-shots, you will now be subjected to my own bizarre sense of humor. (This is nothing compared to my upcoming humor project, in which the gang goes on a quest for salmon to feed Inuyasha's new addiction and end up passing through tributes to just about every humor movie I've ever watched, not the least of which involves a run-in with the French Taunter from that wonderful masterpiece, Monty Python and the Holy Grail...  
To continue this, I will need reviews. So please...review! M_~* Arigatou! -Tobu Ishi 


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